Transparent Christian Magazine

“Josh, we’re having a family meeting in the living room in an hour.”

“K, thanks Mom.”

At 15 I’d never heard my parents call a family meeting, so I assumed we were moving, grandma was sick, or something really great like winning the lottery had happened. So, my three older brothers, my parents and I all piled into our living room after dark, turned the TV off, and sat. And waited. I can remember my stomach turning while we waited to find out whatever cat was coming out of the proverbial bag. My dad hung his head low and didn’t make any eye contact while my mom’s eyes were puffy from crying.

The next few years of my life are a little bit of a blur.

They held each others hand and I honestly don’t remember who said it, but all I recall hearing is, “guys, Dad has cancer”… blah, blah… “chemo”… more words… “he’s really sick”… crying… “things are changing”… shock… “we don’t know what’s going to happen”…

My dad, Mr. Invincible second-degree black belt who took me hunting every year since before I was even legal to hunt had been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma with aggressive b-cell.

The transformation began almost immediately.

Chemotherapy started and dad’s hair started falling out a little bit at a time, eventually carpeting the house like a shedding dog. His skin turned the way I imagined he felt every day: yellow, green and pale. We tried to make light of dad being sick by telling him he didn’t have much hair to begin with and never tanned well anyways. He eventually got better only to become much more sick, less than two years later.

Fast forward a few years to a hunting trip where it was just dad and me in the middle of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. Two guys, a cabin, miles of open land, two rifles and a Jeep Wrangler. I’ve never heard him talk about it since, but dad told me about the night he became the father I know today.

As his eyes were locked on the winding backwoods in front of us and his hands focused on shifting and driving, “I was deep in the first time around of chemo and was really starting to wonder if I was going to pull through. I couldn’t sleep at night, I couldn’t eat, it was hard just to get myself up and go to the bathroom. I hurt all the time and I even had an experience that felt like my entire body had literally been lit on fire for a minute. All I could think about was what would happen to Ma and you guys if I didn’t make it… (I watched him fight a boulder sized knot in his throat and a river just behind his eyes as he searched for the words, reliving the night for the first time out loud) I don’t know how to put this into words where you’ll believe me… I had finally drifted into a deep and heavy sleep. I remember feeling as though I was in a pitch black room with no tangible walls, floor or ceiling. I could see a pinhole begin in the distance with a little bit of light coming through. It progressively opened more and more with light sun-bursting from every direction. The more intense the light became, the more relaxing and pleasing it was to my entire body. I couldn’t fight or move, only watch the dark room illuminate and my body be drawn closer… I never saw anyone or anything in particular but my heart finally realized what was happening and like a 220 volt shock, my body was physically thrown awake and I shot out of bed. When I came back to, I consciously felt my heart start beating again as I fought for air like a fish gasping for water. I laid awake the next two nights with tears I couldn’t control, words I couldn’t find and feeling more petrified than I’ve ever felt… Josh, after 40 some years I finally saw God in my life.”

My dad going through cancer was one of the most brave, agonizing and awe-inspiring experiences I’ve ever witnessed a human go through. “The sickness” made my dad a better man, a follower of Christ and a leader in my ever evolving life story.

Cancer transformed my dad into my father, while almost dying brought him to life and put breath in my dream and vision of becoming a doctor.

Since I could walk and talk, I wanted two things in life: to be a “country rockstar” and to become a doctor. For one reason or another, God created me with a dichotomy that has worked to shape a beautiful story I don’t think I could tell you without spending the day in a coffee shop together – open to close. While watching The Surgery Channel instead of cartoons, I’d practice my guitar. While I got my first record deal, I was taking pre-med courses at a local college. While shadowing doctors at Vanderbilt Hospital, I was writing lyrics. While touring and playing concerts, I’d think about how many people had arthritis in the crowd. While caring for my father, I was writing songs about his struggles.

Over the course of my career in music, I’ve been creative director for a top-5 music video, charted singles on the radio, designed tour sets, started companies and studios as well as partnered with organizations using trust funds I began to help those in need. I even had a stint on a sailing TV show on TBS. I’ve seen the country in a bus, a van, a plane and met so many wonderful people along the way.

With this being said, I still don’t feel as though I’ve reached my life’s purpose. I’ve been given some incredible opportunities, but I still don’t feel as though I’ve made the impact and difference that God has planned for my life. The story I feel called and pulled to places someone’s life in my hands. The story God speaks about in my heart involves keeping fathers and mothers alive and influential in son’s and daughter’s lives. The story God is creating in my life involves becoming a doctor and saving lives while educating people that it was Him, NOT ME who worked through my hands to keep their heart beating.

God worked through my father’s pain and suffering in order to inspire me to create a practice as a doctor that will treat a patient mind, body and soul regardless of insurance, race, religion, circumstance or condition. I want to document every step of the way and pen every trial and joy that arises through loving and caring for people while teaching them how to receive that love and care. Imagine going to your doctor and receiving a book after your visit or surgery that tells the story of love through the eyes of someone who has stared death in the face and is able to articulate the intricacies of faith and hope.

I want to save lives while leading hearts to the Creator of mine.

The road to becoming a doctor and documenting the process is long, tedious, overwhelming at times, as well as emotionally and physically draining. With this being said, I rely on friends, family and encouragement in new and interesting ways every day. Something I’ve never done is attend a conference or seminar to reiterate why I’m putting myself through the next 10 years of sleepless nights and tears of joy and frustration. I’ve stumbled upon an amazing conference called the Living a Better Story Seminar with one of the most influential authors in the development of my faith, Donald Miller. If you’re like me, you have goals in life, you have dreams you’d like to see come to life, and I imagine you wonder how to get the most out of the time we’ve been given. I encourage you to look into the weekend seminar in Portland for the same reasons I am:

to learn how to love the life I’ve been given

to renew and rejuvenate my vision for living a life set on loving people

to hone in and refine the structure of my life story

to set new goals and redefine what I feel I’m capable of

to work on The Relationship it took my father forty-some years to begin

I want to attend the Living a Better Story Seminar, become a doctor, love people and share my story in every possible facet because I want people to ask me, “what AREN’T you doing with your life?”

Somewhere out there is a dad of four boys with cancer waiting to tear his world apart in another decade. I can’t imagine where I’d be in life without my father and I know that God has placed in my hands the ability to save that man and help transform him from a dad to a father. We all need support, education, encouragement and guidance while writing the story we’ll live for years to come. So come join me in experiencing what it means to live a better life and write a story that people will tell for generations after we’re gone.

Love wins,
Joshua

Don Miller Conference Info can be found here: www.donmilleris.com/conference or watch the video below!

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.