This week, I was presented with a strange parenting situation. My 11 year old daughter has expressed interest in a Karate class that my 9 year old son Logan is taking. The ‘family rate’ makes the money negligible, to add her to the plan is an additional $10 a month.
Logan and I have been having a great time connecting at Karate class on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. He attends his class at 6:30 and when his class finishes, I have a Mixed Martial Arts class from the same instructor until 8:30. The classes are great and the father/son time is invaluable. Kianna went to class with us last week and mentioned on the way home she was interested in joining.
My daughter and I can connect easily, sometimes just by being in the line-of-site of each other. We are very much alike and it may by her age or personality, but our relationship flows easily (always has). She’s a natural athlete, and some of her innate skills would lend themselves very well to Karate. Besides, what father wouldn’t want his daughter to be able to defend herself?
Logan and I have a great relationship too, however we can clash quickly. He is sensitive like me, and has rollercoaster emotional highs and lows. I covet the moments where our communication and time spent with each other is positive, full of mutual respect and fun. ‘Karate Night’ is filled with those moments.
I worry about losing those times, and worry that his sister may do well right away, and he will get discouraged. (Before he was born, I worried about not having enough love for two kids… THAT was a crazy worry… My heart just expanded to accommodate another child!).
Maybe I’m overthinking the whole thing… I had a conversation with a co-worker about it and he said “hey, it’s a tough, ’survival-of-the-fittest’ world; you can’t protect your kids from everything… Let your kids experience that part of life too”… He jokes that he’s an Old Testament Family “It’s an eye for an eye in my house” he quips. I tend to lean more towards this scriptural reference on parenting. “As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him”. Psalm 103:13 (Although I’m a bit conflicted I guess, because the idea of not keeping score at a youth soccer match or baseball game makes me crazy. It’s fun to work hard at something and win, and a good lesson too! Before you send me hate mail… the kids know the dang score anyway.)
Logan and I have talked about Kianna taking this class and he seems genuinely ok with it. “Well, me and Kianna could practice together” he said. He asked if maybe just the two of us could go together on one night of the week. This could work… Class is offered 4 times a week.
My wife Shelli and I have talked about it, and even though she is a little more concerned than I am, (and usually right… about everything!) we are both leaning towards Kianna joining.
What are your thoughts? Have you experienced anything like this, either as ‘the parent’ or ‘the child’?
Love,
Jason
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February 9th, 2009 at 7:18 am
I’ve never experienced anything like this so I may be speaking out of my ear. But I am in favor of Kianna joining.
It’s great you and your son have found this thing with which to connect. The easy thing to do at this point would be to hold onto it as long as possible. The more challenging thing would be to let it go, let it become something different, and use this as a opportunity to search and explore new paths for you and your son that you haven’t even thought of yet because you already had something that worked.
It makes me think, because we are Christians, that this is an example of the principle that sometimes death unexpectedly gives birth to life.
peace|dewde
February 9th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
“train up a child in the way they are bent”..Prov 22:6 your greatest gift to your children is to find their bent (passion,expertise,fufilling) and “go for it”.. thne teach them to “encourage one another” in their uniqueness.
February 9th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
My two daughters (now @ 29 and 31) had always had a semi-playful rivalry. “Who’s your favorite this week, Dad?” one would ask periodically. When one — who had always seemed a model of good behavior — got into some trouble a while back, while the other had finally found a rewarding way to live a positive life, the newbie said, “Wow, Pop, does that mean I’m no longer the black sheep?”
Kids are great. They always need us. Most of all, like us, they have their good times and successes and their challenging times. J
February 9th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Jay,
I believe that this would be a positive for all, especially if you can separate one night for just you and Logan. When you find something that connects you and a child you must protect that…it’s special between Father and child…I connect with Lucas on so many levels but my girly girl Mikayla is something completely different. To go from physical activities to coloring, playing dolls or just sitting there watching her do her favorite activity is excrutiating however I’m involved with both and that’s important.
February 9th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
J-
I spend my life being surprised by my children. Let Kianna go, but keep a night or two for just you and Logan. Most importantly, sit back and be surprised at all of the things that you are going to learn with both of them– all of the things that have nothing to do at all with karate… Kids live up or down to our expectations so set your expectations for Logan’s success high– I bet he surprises you! (Remember– success is a relative term…. We experience all kinds at our house– just not the kinds most would consider…)
You’re an awesome Dad and a good friend!
Love to you, Shell, and the karate kids!
Leslie
February 10th, 2009 at 4:17 am
Jason,
As the Mother of twins who were always competeting, no matter the situation, we seemed to have a winner and a loser (albeit by a point or so) just thinking through this is emotional. Each time I check your blog I am moved. Be yourself, allow the kids to be themselves and celebrate along the way. You will be buying Logan HIS own earring before you can imagine!! Expect good things,
Your “Get ER Down” Pal
February 10th, 2009 at 4:39 am
I think it would be great if she was able to go. It doesn’t mean that it will take away from what you and Logan have. Even if it changes things a little, you and Logan still have that special bond with music.
February 10th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Wow people… Great advice! Thanks for all the suggestions and confirmations.
Class is tomorrow. Looks like it’s going to be the three of us! I’m glad I have shin guards and head gear now… Two against one is tough business!
February 10th, 2009 at 8:33 am
You had good advice. Now go and make it so. Enjoy!
February 12th, 2009 at 1:53 am
As kids, my brother and I occasionally wandered into each other’s ‘territories.’ I was always a natural artist, so it bugged me when mom and dad got him some art supplies he asked for – even though he was only drawing stick figures. And a couple of times I joined a sports team – despite having no skills and he bearing the lion’s share of the family’s athleticism. In the end it all worked out, and it was a good thing we were allowed to try everything we wanted. I remained the artist and he the athlete, and we had a good time at it.
February 13th, 2009 at 7:51 pm
Matt 11:[27] All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.
[28] Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Hi Jason,
This post made me think of something my mother said (as she goes through a trial.) She said, “Maybe God is too busy to hear my prayers.”
Can you imagine?
Of course I told her, “God has plenty of room for all of our prayers.”
I can’t imagine God saying, He only has room for one child in heaven.
I think you are doubly blessed and deserve to relish this bonding moment with BOTH of your children.
I think they will enjoy having YOU guide them and always being there for them. There is no rivalry there is only LOVE! And they both want to share that love with you. Wow!
Isn’t it a little like how we feel about our relationship with our Lord?
He has room,time,space and love for ALL of us.
joni