Transparent Christian Magazine

“I’m glad to be a Private in God’s army… I used to be in Satan’s.” I had met this man about 37 seconds prior to that statement and his words were shocking. He had tattoos that weren’t the type that you get at a main street parlor (including a set of eyeballs on his head). These were given in prison, and I thought I recognized them to be signs of hate.

However, he was anything but hateful the morning we met. In fact, love oozed from his pores and his closed mouth grin was genuine. Todd is handsome, in his 40’s and well spoken, and unless you pry, you would never know that his soft eyes hide a rocky past.

After learning a bit more about his story of addiction and recovery, and recently being a witness at his baptism, I asked Todd if he would be willing to meet with me to discuss his life, his sobriety and his renewed focus on his faith.

When we met, I found the timeline of his life a bit hard to follow. His life story is one of heartache, and abuse, drugs (lots of drugs) and depression. He admitted to me that the “80’s were a blur.”

Transparent: Thanks for sitting down with me. This is YOUR story, so tell me what you want to tell me and how God is working in your life.
Todd: Well, when Frank (a mutual friend) first told me that you were interested in my story, I thought “Why on earth would anyone be interested in my mess ups.” I mean, I’m not perfect by any means and I struggle with depression. Even up until a month ago or so, I had contemplated suicide. My life has been tough you know? Many people say “well this bad thing happened to me, so that’s why I did this bad thing,” but I always knew right from wrong. Sometimes I chose to do right, and sometimes I chose to do wrong… many times actually. Today, I am trying to do the right thing all the time, and I really want to live.

Transparent: What was your childhood like?
Todd: It was pretty awful. I was born in East LA, in a city called Huntington Park which is right next to Watts and Compton. I was the only ‘white boy’ for miles and there was fighting everyday in our neighborhood. There were lots of Asians, Hispanics and me. My mom and dad divorced when I was 2 or 3 years old, and after that, my mom struggled a lot, she was the black sheep of her family. I was a ‘welfare baby’, and had 3 younger sisters. My dad got remarried and he had 3 daughters with his new wife. My mom had a bad heart and in spite of that, worked hard. She ran with some rough people though, and struggled with drugs and alcohol. Many of her friends were from the biker gang ‘The Pagans.’

Editors Note: The Pagens are a tough and dangerous group. One article that I read said that they regularly run the Hell’s Angels out of town, and now control much of the illegal biker businesses throughout the local underworld. Police say the Pagans and their associates are involved in prostitution, loan sharking, extortion, bookmaking and the manufacture and distribution of meth.

When I was 5 or 6, my mom took us to the babysitters and didn’t come back for 6 months. Because there were several kids, they took me and my older sister to my great grandma’s house. She got tired of keeping us there, so she contacted my dad.

We stayed with my dad for about 6 months, and my stepmom was a jealous, wicked woman. My dad used to take us to Kmart every payday and buy us a toy, and I remember one time, he said “Todd c’mon,” and as we were leaving his wife said “if that little bastard is going, I’m staying here.” My dad backhanded her, and from then on she would terrorize my sister and me when dad went to work. Every time my sister broke something, I would take the blame so she wouldn’t get hurt. She would smack me with a ruler or whatever and would tell us if we told, it would be twice as bad the following night. I couldn’t wait to get back to my mom’s house, even though she partied, and was hard on us, at least she wasn’t as bad as my step mom.

My mom used to beat me, and I found out that my Grandpa beat her. This was a cycle and when I grew up, I realized why my mom did what she did because of the drugs. I remember one time running into my bedroom hiding from my mom, and she would throw heavy and dangerous things at me. One time I had a brand new zip up shirt that she ripped off my back. I was really angry because I got a lot of hand-me-downs, and this was my favorite shirt because it was new… I started smoking in rebellion at 7 or 8, just to get back at my mom.

I remember getting the cops called on me the first time, when I was around 5 or 6. I used to run out the door and down the street on a fairly regular basis, but my real trouble began when my dad died in a house fire. I was 12, and my life took a turn for the worse. The bikers introduced me to cocaine and I started my 10 year love affair with that drug.

At 13 I skipped school with a friend. He stole one of those giant candy bars from a store, and he got caught. Since I was with him, they caught me too. My grandpa came to pick me up and he knocked the snot out of me for doing that. He was making a point. I skipped school again, but I didn’t get caught. My attendance was so bad, that my mom had to take me to school and have someone sit with me to make sure I would stay. My grandma and grandpa had a good friend that was a Sergeant in the police department. They had him pick me up and handcuff me, and put me in the back of the car when I was about 13 or 14 years old. They kept me in a cell for 2 days. I guess they thought it would cure me but it just made me tougher.

My grandfather was real racist. He was from Arkansas, and during the gas shortage in the 70’s I remember he owned a couple of gas stations in LA. We had long lines at the pumps during that time, and he put up signs in LA that said “No N###### Allowed”. I didn’t feel that way, (I knew right from wrong) but I felt like I had too ‘feel that way’ in front of grandpa, to earn his love. There are times in your life where you do some things for survival, and that was one of those times. I have had good friends all my life that were black. His racism haunted me though… When I went to jail I had to join a certain group of people or I was gonna wind up on a slab somewhere.

After jail, I moved to Virginia, hooked up with some old buddies, and got back into coke. I would beg borrow steal, and sold a lot of pot and a lot of coke and crank. Money just ran through my hands during that time.

Transparent: Tell me about your jail time.
Todd: (Smiles awkwardly) I don’t want to talk about jail too much. I did a lot of things there that I’m not proud of for survival.

Transparent: What lead to you your jail time.
Todd: Well, I really was good at not getting caught at things. I stole a lot of things for money. Money gave me power and got me friends. I found out later that THOSE friends were not real and true friends. That part of my life is something I’m not proud of at all. Man, the money was so good and so easy to get, but inside I felt miserable about it.

I was at a bar, just after I turned 22. It was during a time when I was a real bad alcoholic, and I remember sitting at the bar drinking tequila shots, one after another. The next thing I remember is that someone had hit me in the back of the head with a beer mug. Someone else handed me a pool stick, and I ran it through the guy’s chest (he lived). I ended up doing 2 years and 3 months of a 5 year sentence. The reason I got out early, is that I kept myself under the radar in prison and didn’t cause any trouble (that they found out about). When I came out, I tried to clean myself up, but I wasn’t successful.

I moved back to Virginia and lived there until I was 31. I had gotten a girl pregnant and she ended up having a son, that I knew nothing about. I got married to another woman. I had a son that I didn’t know about. At the time, I was driving a dump truck, and partying, and ended up corrupting a good girl, by introducing my wife to smoking cocaine, and she left me after 2 years.

Sometime after that I moved to Spokane Washington. It was beautiful there and so was this woman I met. She was 13 years older than me and was wonderful, except for the fact that she was a ‘hard core alcoholic wino’. When I first moved there, my sister and her husband welcomed me into their home to help me out but I refused to conform, so I moved in with my girlfriend, and we bought an RV. I was dealing drugs, and she was semi retired.

On one of our drug fueled trips, I convinced her to go to Las Vegas so I could see my family. We were smoking crack together a lot, trying to escape life. We went to see my mom, and were there for about 15 minutes and mom said “I’ll cook your favorite dinner” (breaded pork chops). My girlfriend and I went to get some cigarettes, and she was bitching so much about not wanting to be there, that we just took off. I never called my mom to tell her we weren’t coming back or why we didn’t come back. {Todd starts to tear up} This is a hard memory, because … Well, my mom moved to Bizmark North Dakota a while later. My sister Dawn was getting out of prison, and mom didn’t want her to be near Las Vegas, because she thought Dawn would get into more trouble. My sister Tracy called one morning and said “you need to get here now, mom’s not doing well.” I was high as a kite, and I had just done a big shot of coke. Shortly after that, I got on a plane to go to see her, and my plane landed at 3, but she had died an hour earlier.

I went hardcore into meth. To this day, sometimes I lay in bed and cry because I miss her. She wasn’t the best mom, but she’s still my mom.

Transparent: Talk to me about your faith.
Todd: After another bad relationship, I stumbled on this Baptist Church. I needed a place to stay and I wanted to be done with drugs. This pastor put me up in the upper part of this church. It reminded me of a belfry. (Laughs) It was a creaky old 12 by 12 room with a military cot. I cooked everyday for the homeless people, and still used some drugs, but cut down quite a bit. It was really weird sometimes because I would be feeding these homeless people that I had sold drugs too earlier. At night I would be high on crank and being in an old dark church would just scare the snot out of me. I would get a creepy feeling, and walk around that place. Many times I slept in the pews. (Laughs).

Shortly after that, a friend told me this story of a guy that helped her out. She was at a gas station, and she was holding a toddler in one hand and trying to pump gas with the other. This guy approached her and said “Let me help you out with that.” He pumped her gas, then paid for it, and invited her to attend his church.

Transparent: Wow! What a cool thing for a pastor to do.
Todd: Man, this wasn’t a pastor. It was just a guy that went to that church. A few weeks later, she and I showed up at that church, and I was thinking “this can’t be a religion” because they were holding church in a coffee shop, and there were only like 30 people there. The music was beautiful and the people were beautiful. The day I went there, there was this guy from Applegate Fellowship there named Jim Setter. He sang this song called Maker of The Universe.

I sat in the front and I cried and cried and that told me there was something about this place, because up until then, I never really cried. I loved that church, and sometimes I would go to that church, even if I was high, cause’ I just loved being there. There was something tugging at me. (Todd Smiles ) I think the pastor knew I was high, because he would say something and look right at me. (Laughs)

I have thought about that a lot… that one tank of gas made a huge impact on my life, her life, her daughter’s life, her sons life… Like I said, this dude wasn’t even a pastor, but he was a church. The son of that woman is 14 now and he wants to be a missionary. He’s super intelligent, and I’m sure he will do it.

I was having trouble around November of last year, and I was really close to giving up. I had an 8 ball of crystal meth in my pocket, and I called my sister, and said “I’m ready to relapse, and I need to get out of here”. She sent me some money for food for 2 weeks and a bus ticket, and I dropped the 8 ball in the toilet and rode a bus out here. My sister and her husband have been solid in my life. They have always been very good to me, even though I didn’t always deserve it.

Shortly after I got here, I met a woman that helped me look hard at my life and helped me stay clean. It’s been 3 years this last October that I have been completely clean. I’m working on the sober part, and having success with that, but I haven’t touched a hard drug in 3 years. The one time that I did drink hard, I ended up in the hospital. I was feeling sorry for myself, and the nurse there, gave me some literature about Lifechurch.tv

A while later, I wasn’t even thinking about going to church, and I came out of the Blue Goose Café next door to Lifechurch.TV and heard the Judas Priest song “Breakin’ the Law” live!! I figured if they played THAT song, then maybe they would be ok with ’someone like me’, and I walked into church. I have barely missed a weekend, since and most of the time I’m at 3 or 4 services. People were so genuine and so nice to me. I couldn’t believe it.

Editor’s Note: Last Sunday, Todd dragged his cousin to church, and she told me in the parking lot that she didn’t know church could be like this! She said she was coming back and bringing some friends.

Transparent: What do you do when you start feeling anxious?
Todd: Now I pray, and grin and bear it.

Transparent: What do you worry about?
Todd: Well, I worry about being lonely a lot. I worry about my son. He’s 22 now and my relationship with him is pretty good considering I have been out of his life for a long time. We talk on the phone all the time now and I would love for him to be here some day.

I’m looking for some work that I can do right now. I was detailing yachts for awhile, but it was really too physically demanding for me now. I worry about dying alone, in a gutter somewhere. I actually dreamed it a couple of times. My Mom raised 4 kids, and made a ton of mistakes, but we always had something to eat and a roof over our head, and I want to be able to provide for myself and eventually a family.
I worry about making a difference. I want to make a difference and that’s why I’m getting involved in a Lifegroup here, serving on the weekends, and I really want to help out at Switch (the youth ministry at Lifechurch.Tv). I truly believe if someone would have got to me in time, they may have been able to help me, and I might have taken a different path, but most of the people that I loved either died or abandoned me, and I worry about abandonment.

Transparent: What would you do different in your life?
Todd: I have been asked that before and really… I am loving where I’m at right now. If I changed one thing, I wouldn’t be where I’m at. Things could be a WHOLE lot better (laughs). But right now, I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach (usually) and although it would be great to be a little more comfortable, I’m doing well considering everything. I had probably two million dollars go through my hands in a year or so when I was hard core dealing drugs, but that wasn’t really living! This is living!

The only thing that really bothers me about not having money is that my teeth are messed up from all of the drugs I did. I talked to one dentist that has agreed to pull them for a reasonable amount and another orthodontist that has agreed to give me the uppers if I can pay for the lowers. I am in the process of saving some money right now, but it’s tough. My teeth are like the last physical issue of my addiction. After getting baptized a few weeks ago, I feel like a brand new man, and I would like to have new teeth so I feel like a WHOLE new man! (Smiles). Right now, I can’t eat the foods I like to eat, I’m in constant pain, and my self-image is a bit low, but I’ve learned to live with it. I’m about $600 away from that. People always said I had a pretty smile, and I would like to have that back. (Smiles)

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Editor’s Note: Todd is currently using those ‘mess ups’ as he called them, to minister to others in a very unique way. He has served at the Nashville Mission, served at Lifechurch.Tv, and is currently getting involved with the teen program.

I have a recommendation. The next time you are able, buy a tank of gas for someone who looks like they may need it. You never know how a simple act of kindness can impact someone’s life.

Jason

**Pictures used by permission

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