A song was playing, and my wife was holding her hands in the air… What the heck was that all about? Was she praying, or praising or something? Were her raised hands some sort of ’spiritual lightning rod’?
I remember thinking these things during an Amy Grant Christmas Concert at the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, in 1999. I was 28 years old and not a regular church attendee and certainly not a Christian. But something happened at that concert. I could feel it.
Shelli had always been vocal about her past church involvement, but never pushed me about my faith (or lack thereof). I remember sitting in the car, in the driveway of our home, talking to her about the concert. She said “I know you felt something too”. I lied and said I didn’t.
I was too scared.
I thought that if I ‘became a Christian’ all of the things I enjoyed doing would have to stop, and be replaced by reading The Daily Guideposts, making casseroles, shunning old friends and watching preachers on tv.
She said with tears in her eyes “Jay, honey, God has big plans for you, and all you need to do is listen for Him.”
It would be years before I heard anything. Years before I listened. In a fit of despair in the fall of 2001, I asked Jesus to take over my life, because I was doing a terrible job on my own. Our home was busting apart (as the tech bubble crashed) with depression and financial strain.
What I didn’t expect was to hear God in the voice of Linus from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special reminding me to “Fear Not”… That everything was going to ‘be ok’, and to ‘trust Him’.
I would hear that voice everyday on the way to work for months. It wasn’t an audible voice… But I heard it just the same. Sometimes it would make me laugh, other times angry… Why did I have to wait for everything to be ok? Why couldn’t God just snap his fingers and make me feel happy. Why wouldn’t He just let me find a briefcase full of money on the side of the road (like that would have solved all of my issues).
So here I am, years later, and have some battle scars that have given me a smidgen of wisdom , and reminded me even more, how little control I have. I haven’t had to read Guideposts everyday (thank you God) and still have cool friends and still have plenty of fun.
Sometimes I think God’s Big Plans are a bunch of little plans. Little tweaks to your family tree, little improvements you make over time to the way you think, act and perceive the world. I tend to make better decisions now, and I’m able to use these past rough experiences to encourage others going through similar issues.
I am still not sure what those Big Plans are, but I’m listening!
Did you hear something?
Jason
October 15th, 2008 at 2:33 am
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
October 15th, 2008 at 7:01 am
I, too, am waiting for the Big Plans for when I grow up in the Lord. The funny thing is that I, too, believe that one day we will look back and see all of the little plans woven together much like the pieces of a beautiful quilt. Isn’t it awesome how He can take our small efforts and put them together to make something big and beautiful?
October 15th, 2008 at 7:02 am
Nice ending, Jason…. And thank you for sharing your past and present struggles with me. So many are watching you as you walk! “Fear not…” Love to you and ALL of the Elkins!
October 15th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
As Christians we are all different, different strengths, and weaknesses.
God places us where we can do the most for his Kingdom. We need only to
listen to the Holy Spirit, and be willing to serve our God. Jason, I am
glad that He chose to place you in our family!! You are loved.
October 15th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
That clip is one of the best Luke 2 readings EVER - I get goosebumps everytime I hear it. And Jason, I’d agree, it’s mainly a bunch of little plans - one step at a time, one day at a time. It’s climbing our mountain of faith knowing that God is with us for every step and every view, good and bad.
October 15th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Jason, Thank you for sharing your thoughts today. I stumbled upon your blog by pure chance, if there is such a thing. It reminds me of my first impression of Christianity, the Guidepost image. People in their perfect boxes of rules and rituals. What I didn’t realize is that I was the one in the box living in fear of the next moment. Not knowing or understand my own place in the world, living without clear purpose.
Our freedom in Christ allows me to live knowing that each patchwork moment is part of something bigger. Part of a promise that all who believe are Overcomers. Battle scars and all, we already know how it ends…..
October 15th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
@Lisa: Isn’t it awesome how He can take our small efforts and put them together to make something big and beautiful?.
YES! Well put! God’s cool like that.
@Leslie: I have plenty more struggles to share!
@Sandy: I’m glad to be in this family Sandy. Shelli is my ‘other’ rock.
@Mike: It is So true. And interesting that it was released in a time that it wasn’t very popular to be a Christian. Little Plans My Friend!! We’ll walk up the mountain together!
@Angela: You have made my day. Glad you stumbled by. I checked out your blog, and I like the posts about Bitterness. That’s something that can just mess us up as we try to walk with Jesus. (Sorry, didn’t mean to get all Guideposty on you!)
Come by anytime!!!
Love to you all!
Jason
October 16th, 2008 at 2:56 am
Jason - Thank you. This posting was a gift. - Margie
October 16th, 2008 at 5:46 am
Hey thanks Margie! So is your friendship.
J
October 16th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Jason, Thanks for checking out my blog. Bitterness has been a personal battle. You know the song by Casting Crowns, Slow Fade. I think Bitterness can be a bit like that, slow and infectious…..They say to write about what you know, Right?!
Anyway, I will be back
Have a great day
October 17th, 2008 at 3:12 am
Awesome post as usual J, I can so relate!!